I love the sun. I love to feel the warmth of baking myself, even though its supposedly bad for me. So around here, there is only a few months to enjoy this. I have discovered though that the sun and heat are really not that enjoyable if there is not a pool nearby to cool off in whenever you feel like it 🙂
Over the years, I have really grown to love autumn. I love the crisp air. Isn’t that a great word? It’s perfect. CRISP air. I love wearing sweatshirts too so I think that has something to do with it. I love orange and pumpkins and scarecrows. I don’t love winterizing my yard, but that’s ok.
But now, (just like the title of my book), autumn is bitter and sweet. This Sunday, October 14, will be the two year anniversary of Tim’s death. Dave decided he wanted to have a few friends over for a small party. We remembered last year, we came up with the term “REBIRTH-DAY”, ‘cuz Dad was reborn into heaven on this day.
On a conscious level, I don’t stress about the “anniversary”. My friend even asked me a couple of weeks ago what my plans were for the day and I didn’t even remember why the day was significant. But my soul and body remember. The crisp autumn air reminds my senses of what a difficult time of year this was in 2010. And on a conscious level, I am reminded of the details of those days as I write the book.
I feel like I’m heading in the wrong direction sometimes. This year feels worse than last when I wake up some days and want to bite everyone’s heads off, for no reason in particular. Or it feels worse when I find myself in the middle of a crying jag I can’t control.
But I’ve had a couple of reliable sources tell me that I am significantly “better” than last year. While I don’t really remember, apparently last year I was complaining of sitting on the couch and staring into space for hours at a time, feeling unable to even get up. So I’m glad to know that. I’m glad to know that in actuality, I am doing “better”.
I am writing a book, taking care of my property, running a business, trying to be a mom with some sort of competence, being a daughter who tries to take care of her dad, and even attempting to be a decent significant other. And I only bite the heads off of people who love me deeply and give me a pass … because its October. And my heart and soul know, that along side the beautiful, crisp air, is a deep and profound sadness. But strength. And hope.
Ah, the bitter and sweet.