You know, I’m an interesting specimen. I struggle with depression. I mean really, really struggle with it. And yet, most of the time I still have a sense of humor. I can make people laugh about things that you wouldn’t think could be laughed about. Thank God, that’s all I can say.
I thought I’d share a bunch of “dating” experiences, but I’m not sure how they will translate in this format. When I tell the stories, we all giggle. So I hope it translates on paper or you may just stop reading!
Whether you are on Match, meet someone out, or get set up by someone, dating these days requires a very healthy sense of humor.
Well, that or a straight jacket.
I have plenty of male friends who share whopper stories so let me just this isn’t really a male-bashing type thing. It’s just a “how the hell did we all get so lost when it comes to relationships?” type of thing.
Match email from a 27-year-old to me (I’m almost 48). “Hey, are you a swinger?”
My response, “You’re a cutie, but uh, NO.”
Match email from a 28-year-old: “But age is just a number!”
My response, “Uh, most of my kids are older than you are. You really don’t see a problem with that?”
Match email from a thirty-something year old. Ok, we are getting warmer.
“What’s shaking, sexy?”
My response, “Uh, well that’s quite an introduction. Not much, and you?”
His response, “Just living the dream!”
Ok, now first of all, just think about that statement. How the heck do you even respond to something like that? There is no question, no let-me-get-to-know-you, just a declarative statement.
My response, “Then what the hell are you doing on Match?”
No, that’s mean. Delete.
My response, “Well, I don’t think we would be a good match ‘cuz there ain’t nobody living the dream here in my house!”
On second thought, I just hit the “block this person” button instead. I’ve just discovered that button on the computer and I really, really like it.
Match email from SOMEONE MY AGE! Well, now that already has potential. “We seem to have a lot in common but I should let you know that I’ve recently moved to London, England. Have you ever been there?”
Ok, really? England. Pretty damn hard to meet for that first cup of coffee.
Text message from someone who found me on LinkedIn. That’s a new one.
My question, “Where are you from?”
His response, “Pakistan.”
No comment needed.
I know how to “block this person” on my phone, too.
Match email from SOMEONE MY AGE AND SOMEONE IN MY COUNTRY. Much better. But they are still in Rochester, like an hour and a half away.
My email, “But my experience is, that this kind of distance is hard when you are first getting to know someone. I’m not trying to be close-minded, but I do like to learn from the experiences I’ve had.” (When it takes three to four weeks to even set up a date because it requires a three-hour round-trip drive, that just doesn’t work when you are a single mom with five jobs.)
His response, “Well honey, blah blah blah” with a bunch of crap about how if I would let a little thing like location get in the way of a relationship, I’m obviously not mature enough to realize that grown-up relationships take work.
My response, “Who you calling honey?” Blocked!
Match email from SOMEONE MY AGE AND SOMEONE IN MY COUNTRY AND SOMEONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD! Oh my gosh, he’s even pretty handsome! Can this really be happening? We email. We text. We talk on the phone for a week. Then we make the plan to actually meet in person. Now, I’m actually a little nervous because I haven’t been on an actual “date” with any potential in months.
He stands me up two nights in a row.
My text to him, “There won’t be a third time.”
He wisely doesn’t call or text again.
That’s six for six.
I’m sure glad we got kittens for Christmas. They make me giggle, too (but not with the underlying profound sadness of how difficult of a task it is to not be alone if you don’t want to be). I bought them new toys today that look like slinkys, so that will be a better way for me to get my jollies tonight. 🙂