I recently restarted work with my very first spiritual director. She was my minister before that. We parted ways for a while and then I bumped into her and got thinking about her. She pushes me hard. Sometimes too hard. But the most growth and changes in my life happened when I worked with her. And because I’m tired of my own broken record, I sought her out.
We just got started yesterday. We were looking for the common denominators- i.e. overall patterns that tend to repeat themselves in my life. In other words, I started out with the question, “Why does this keep happening in my life?” Somewhere in the later part of the session, an important shift occurred. I realized that wasn’t the right question. I basically know WHY it keeps happening. What I really want to know is what the hell am I supposed to do about it?
In other words, if I try to change the parts of me that bring some of these things on, I will have two problems. One, is that some things are so ingrained in me, I might as well stop breathing than to try to change it. Secondly, some of those things are good. They can be problematic, but they are part of the things that ultimately I am proud of. They set me apart in some ways.
I could write a whole other book on this topic, but I will pick one small example which isn’t so loaded. One of my gifts and curses (at the same time) is that I can almost immediately walk into a situation and see what needs to be changed or improved. I know how to wait for opportune times, be tactful, and balance it all with love. But I don’t give up easily and will take it to the next level if I think it’s important enough. This is where my SD says I get into trouble. People get triangulated and the drama kicks in.
My small example is this. I am starting my second college semester as a professor. One of my students pointed out that the syllabus said one thing, and the handbook said another. I had caught several of these errors the first semester and they were corrected. But this one was missed. I clarified the information with her, but here is where I take it to the next level. I contacted the main office and let them know. I’m sure students think I write my own syllabus, but school has changed a lot since I attended. The syllabus is written by the department, which makes its decisions based on state licensing requirements. I contacted the right person and they said they would work on the correction.
I hear a lot of feedback about how other supervisors don’t catch things or point them out and they appreciate my taking the time to do so, which makes the program stronger in the long run. Now don’t misunderstand me. I do not think there is anything wrong with the other supervisors. Absolutely not. I think they probably clarify with the students and then leave it at that. But without even thinking about it, I go to the next level and try to make it right and improve the future.
Sounds good, right?
But here’s the pattern. Eventually, people don’t want to hear what is missing anymore. At some point, the game becomes shoot the messenger. I become the annoyance rather than the help. And I hate it. Because my heart is in the right place. I’m not trying to be arrogant. I don’t think I know everything. I’m not trying to put anyone down. I just put the extra effort in to make things better for the future.
Anyhow, I’m just starting down this new self-improvement road with my SD. I know it is going to be really, really tough. But I really don’t know how to appreciate my strengths and honor them, without going up in flames later down the road. Until I figure that out, no more new ventures for me. No church for sure. I can’t sustain any more loss right now so I need to figure it out. So pray for me, and really, really beg God to guide my SD cause she has her hands full…lol.