Yep, I’m a day late writing. I know it really doesn’t matter, but writing has been my Thursday thing for most of the past three years. It’s easy to write when I have a topic. It’s terrible when I don’t have a topic. Now it is actually Friday night and I’ve still been staring at a blank screen.
Sometimes I have a topic, I just can’t write about it. Especially in my later anger/menopause years, there’s a ton of things I could rattle off with my eyes closed but it just wouldn’t be appropriate to do so. Those moments, I’m tempted to start a new anonymous blog so I can write without any regard for anything. But you know I’m all hot air. It’s just not in me.
Lately, there is only one topic that comes to mind and I’m sure all my friends are tired of it too. (No pun intended, but the topic is being tired.) Exhaustion. Sleepy. Hitting the brick wall. The thing is, my dad seems to be too. We are both in the same place. Just want all this moving stuff to be over. I know it’s not true, but right now I feel like I will never feel rested again for as long as I live. I will just never recover. Whine, whine, whine.
In some ways though, it’s kind of cool that I don’t really feel depressed. I mean I get so tired that I literally feel like I could cry at any second, but it’s not because of sadness. It’s just because I don’t want to move.
Around here, things are running behind. My client notes are backed up. My house is a bit of a mess. I haven’t kept up with the yard work. Laundry, groceries, and just plain eating are all in a sad state of affairs. Every two to three days, I drive to Dad’s, which is about 50 minutes away. We clean, pack, argue, laugh, box, tape, load into vehicles, etc., etc.. Then I drive the 50 minutes home, knowing that when I pull in I have another two hours of work. Unloading everything. Then there is separating it. There is almost always a bag on papers to burn. There are boxes of garage sale stuff to pack up. Things to take photos of to sell on-line which means posting them on three sites. Usually there are a few papers to file in Dad’s new filing box. Some things are actually for our house, which usually means replacing something else.
And this just repeats itself over and over. We absolutely make progress every time. There is absolutely still so much to do it makes my head spin. I think my dad’s head spins at times too. Legal stuff. Stuff for his new apartment. Stuff for his brief stay here with us. And the usual medical appointments and banking stuff that has to get set up or kept up with.
Mom has been gone for nine years now. But lately, it feels more and more like I am losing her all over again. So much of the house has her hand print. I just found some of her writing again that I read part of at her funeral. Dad and I have had some emotional moments together where we just have to stop and cry for a bit.
There is probably only a month left of this pace. At least I hope so. Have you ever been so tired that your eyelids hurt from keeping them open? Or your feet feel like they have lead in them so every step you take is like an effort? Believe it or not, I’m actually not complaining. I feel good about doing this stuff with my dad. I think in spite of the occasional disagreements, we have gotten closer through it. I’m just tired. That’s it. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but I still wish it was over. Exhausted. Just pure and simple.
Tonight I think I’m going to try to forget about all the things I’ve left undone and sit in front of a fire. I love fires. I will also then be able to burn a whole bunch of stuff that Dad needs burned. I can take a trip down memory lane while I sit in the lawn chair and watch the flames. I’m hoping a few friends will join me. Maybe drink a beverage or two. Who knows? Maybe I will wake up with new energy tomorrow. But if not, I will just keep going. I will see this all through to the end no matter what it takes. I won’t stop til Dad is sitting on his new couch in his new apartment. I just need to have friends who pretend not to get tired of hearing me say I’m tired. 🙂