I am presenting next week as part of a large panel and am going to attempt to integrate Power Point for the first time. I know, I’m behind the times. They are very simple slides, but I’m long past due for getting a more polished look for my lectures. Same topic as usual. Why is it important to confront the uncomfortable concept of death and dying?This presentation is going to be a little different in that besides talking about my experience with Tim, I am also going to talk about a current situation.
I met a very, very dear friend after Tim died, who has become in some ways like a second father. He’s just a couple of years younger than Dad and bears some physical resemblance to him as well. He has actually met my dad a few times. He has been in the hospital the last several weeks. I have visited when I can, but recently the family has requested no visitors outside of family. I certainly would not ever want to offend the family, especially in such a stressful situation. The problem is, what is the family wants something different than the patient.
My friend had reached out to me and said he wanted me to visit. I even double checked to make sure I understood correctly. That is quite a dilemma. Why would the family not want me to visit? I don’t know, but I can attempt to make an educated guess.
Things can sound quite sensible in theory when you are talking about them outside of your personal experience, or especially outside of an actual acute situation. When you choose a health proxy, for example, many people think the appropriate person would be the person you are closest to. Actually, much more important than that, the proxy should be the person who is most likely to honor your wishes. Sometimes what we want for our loved ones is not what the actual patient wants. When the time comes, you might find it difficult to do what your loved one wants if it is different from your own desires. If you are emotionally in deep, doing the “right” thing (in this case what the patient wants) can become very cloudy.
My often mentioned friend Darren articulated something that really struck me. We were talking about this situation and in general about how I often am trying to do the right thing and somehow end up “being the bad guy.” He said it is because I bring light to the dark corners of the room that haven’t been swept out yet, because I’m not afraid to go to the difficult places. I loved that. Not sure I deserve that much credit, but it felt really great to hear.
One time when I was visiting my friend, he started to open up to me about what I loved “end of life stuff” such as how his illness was affecting his family. Then there is the big question of why is this even happening? That is the one I always say I don’t think there is an answer to. Why do we die? Because humans don’t live forever. We all have to die at some point. Every one of us. Because there are cancer cells we can’t control. Because there is disease, violence. Because people make bad decisions sometimes. But sometimes it is just because we are mortal.
I did my best to work through the labyrinth with my dear friend. In the background, one of his family members was bustling around saying things like, “Don’t worry. This is just a bump in the road,” or “You will be back to normal in no time.”
I cringed. He has stage IV cancer and there are no treatment options left. No, this is more than a bump in the road. This is nearing the end of the road. No, he will not be back to his old self.
I think he must know deep down. I think that is why he wants to talk to me. I can handle the conversation. I wonder if deep down he understands he can’t really talk to his family member. But now it feels like I’ve been shut out.
I don’t know how it will play out. At this point, he has changed his mind about visitors. Was he told that I am acting crazy? Or is he just not up to company? All I know is that at one point he specifically asked me to come and I couldn’t go. Well, I could have but I would have greatly upset the family. That is certainly not my goal.
It’s all heart breaking. I dream about him and I keep thinking if I don’t get a chance to see him again, I am at least relating to him on that level. I just don’t want him to think I have abandoned him in this very fragile time of his life. He has given me hugs and hand holding many, many times when I’ve been down and out.
Keep him in your prayers, and the family as they grapple with accepting the upcoming loss of such a wonderful human being.