Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


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To Be Fair…

I’m not sure if I’ve ever blogged twice in one day, but I felt this warranted a P.S..

I was able to speak to the investigator that took my initial complaint. She started by saying, “I thought I would be hearing from you.”

She is a very ethical person and could not say a lot of things to me about the process of what happens. My intuition tells me she would have if she could have. The wording on the letter, while polite, makes it seem cut and dried. All I could think was that doc was having the last laugh.

She was able to verify that my understanding of what is supposed to occur is indeed accurate. There are many levels of investigation and their goal is to correct whatever errors there are. Hopefully, a doctor only needs one complaint in their career to get things in order.

She was also able to let me know that she spent hours and hours on this case like I did. She also assured me that the physician’s that make determinations did as well. I felt heard and that helps immensely.

While I couldn’t get anything specific out of this very ethical (and compassionate) woman, I would dare guess that this went further than a letter. I suspect that while it didn’t go to the very top, there may have been at least one conversation. That is a really big deal in the medical profession.

My goal was never to crucify the guy. I just want him to get what he did. I want him to understand that he was wrong and I don’t want him to do it to anyone else. I am hoping he will change his perspective on what his job is as a professional.

I will never know if that happens, but I feel some relief in my stomach. I feel like he was at least told and informed as he should have been. What happened to Dad was taken seriously. Very seriously.

And if she is just blowing smoke, I give her credit anyway. She did a great job making me feel better about the whole process without betraying any ethics. Thank you so much! I will rest much easier tonight than I did last night.


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Why Do I Bother?

I received a letter that was most disturbing. It literally took the wind out of my sails. I felt my energy drain out of me and within 15 minutes I found myself in bed at 730 pm, checked out for the night.

It was from the Department of Health. It read like this: “Upon completion of the investigation, based on all the information available to OPMC (Office of Professions, my parenthesis), there is insufficient evidence to bring a charge of professional misconduct…”

I couldn’t believe it. And it has thrown me into another existential career crisis. This was so obvious and blatant to me, my jaw (and heart) dropped.

Ignored my dad’s request for help with his pain for four business days.

Refused to order a catheter at dad’s request, in spite of Dad being a serious fall risk due to the Parkinson’s and the nature of his infection. He even went so far as to say, “If you aren’t willing to take an antibiotic, I’m not letting you have a catheter.”

Blatant bullying behavior toward my father with statements like, “You understand this infection could kill you and you still won’t take the antibiotic?” And the most unprofessional of all, “Well, if this is what you want for your life, peeing your bed, going to the bathroom every 30 minutes, you just keep right on refusing the antibiotic.”

Requiring a conversation with the Hospice CEO before agreeing to a catheter, but refusing to read the texts that came directly from that CEO.

All of that is disgusting, but could be stretched to say it’s a matter of opinion if you really want to go out of your way to defend him. But what is NOT debatable, is the professional, ethical and legal responsibility of a doctor to RESPECT A PATIENT’S WISHES AND RIGHTS. Dad had his ducks in a row. He had a legitimate, accurately completed MOLST form. It is without doubt a clear expectation of every medical professional to respect that. So many more details I won’t take the time to write.

This doesn’t get easier with time. If fact, the more times the ball is dropped and justice is not done, I get more and more angry.

Why do I bother? Yes, because it’s the “right” thing to do. Honestly though, I spent hours and hours documenting what happened, filling out the proper forms, and speaking with investigators at length. I was told that this case would most likely go very high up the chain because the behavior exhibited was of such a serious nature.

And now this.

Nothing. How do I not throw in the towel like most people do? Why should I be the exception and continue to fight and never give up? I am seriously questioning if the things I pursue are a good use of my time and energy. I would not apologize for being emotional about my loved one, but this was not about that. There were repeated unethical acts against Dad and something drastic needs to be changed.

But it’s obviously not going to happen. Not on a professional level, not on a state level. And even the facility has chosen to keep him employed in spite of the havoc that was caused by his behavior. And oh yeah, a man more than worthy of an honorable and peaceful death got nothing of the kind.

I’m pissed. I’m disgusted. I’m crying. I’m angry. Disheartened. Wondering if I should even bother anymore. I’m bitter – that grieving my father has been more painful than I could have imagined and now AGAIN, it’s clouded with this utter nonsense.


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It’s Not Me, Right?

Sometimes it feels like things are so ridiculous, I wonder if I’ve lost my mind. I feel like I live in a world where so many people are consumed and passionate about these crazy things and missing the whole point. Are they serious?

One example from the world outside my immediate setting. Let’s ban Rudolph because of the bullies in it. I happen to think it has an amazing and relevant message, especially for such an “old” movie. You bet there are bullies, even Santa himself. But the “victims” (Rudolph and Hermie) overcome the crap treatment and become heroes. The end of the movie? All the bullies apologize. His dad, Santa… they realize they had behaved wrongly. Amen! What the hell is wrong with that message? Bullying is worth our attention. Focusing on Rudolph? Um… I don’t get it.

Plus, he’s pretty cute!

Overall, I like Frankie’s school, but sometimes I scratch my head. The athletics department is supposed to keep an eye on grades. Big bad on their part this year. Mistake #1, they forgot to notify the parent. Mistake #2, they forgot to notify the teacher. Mistake #3, they forgot to check in DAILY to see if their athlete was staying after. Three huge oops. And they wonder why the warning papers get thrown in the bottom of the gym bag and ignored. Failing academics? I think that is a pretty important thing for them to worry about.

You know what they did focus on? Frankie’s track meets are 6-7 hours long on Saturdays. In between events, they are left to entertain themselves. Now teens have incredible opportunities these days to get into trouble. Frankie found himself doing the worst thing I could imagine. He put on his nerd glasses he got for Christmas, put on his baseball cap backward, tucked in his shorts, and found himself in a dance battle with kids from another school. Unfortunately, he didn’t get video. I was very disappointed because I would have loved to have seen that.

At practice, he got scolded for fooling around between events.

He and his buddy got in the car and he told me what a “rascal” he was. I told him that he better not try to sing either. I assured him and his friend that I would send them more appropriate things to keep themselves occupied. I would send a vape with cannabis oil so they can calm down, a flask with some liquor, and a couple of porn mags so they can sit quietly next time and stay busy. They appreciated the offer.

I don’t know, is it me? There are dozens of other examples, but it just seems to me people are hyped up about the wrong stuff. I wanna hit my head on the wall sometimes. I just hope my kid doesn’t lose his personality because I think he lights up a room when he wants to. Certainly that’s better than hiding in the dark.


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Failing, Failure

The last couple days have been tough. There is nothing monumentally wrong that most families and relationships don’t typically go through. But when I feel like everything around me (or 80%) is failing, I end up feeling like a failure.

My sister was her supportive self today when we talked. She gave me her opinion that I am one of the most capable people she knows and far from a failure. Thanks sissy! Deep down, I guess I know I’m not responsible for everyone else’s choices, but it’s hard when stress can feel unrelenting.

I got talking to a client today and it reminded me of research I read years ago. It said that females in particular tend to be prone to an “internal locus of control” which, like anything else, has its good and bad points.

When a woman is faced with a problem or hurt, she usually asks herself what she did wrong and looks for how she can fix it. An external locus of control would assume someone else screwed up. The good part of the internal focus is that it can lead to empowerment and change. The bad part is that it can lead to over-responsibility and unnecessary self-blame.

Generalizations almost always get you in trouble so please understand these thoughts don’t apply to every single person in every single situation. As an observer of human behavior and relationships, I have to say that it does seem to often be the case though. Women are often the “emotional thermometers” in relationships. It’s almost comical when a couple sits down for session and the man briefly declares things are ok. The woman wants to know who he has been living with because it apparently isn’t their home. As she recounts the week’s activity, the man will eventually nod in agreement. “Oh yea, I forgot about that,” or something similar.

Anyhow, when you intensely love and care for people around you, it can be heartbreaking when you are disappointed, worried, concerned when you see those around you making choices that hurt you, or worse hurt themselves. Probably the most intense pain is around the love and concern a parent has for their child. A child of any age, no matter how old he/she gets.

I’m doing ok tonight. I’m exhausted and feel like a wet dish rag. But talking to people who care and an unscheduled call to Scott (my trusted therapist) reminds me that these things too shall pass. They hurt like hell, but I don’t need to fall into the abyss or anything. Tomorrow will come and I will just do the best I can again. I’m usually the only one that asks more of me than that.

Hope all is well in your world, wherever you are. Take some time for self-care, but stay engaged in life and people. It’s worth it, even when you’d rather punch them all…LOL.