Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


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Return Guest Author Jennifer Scott

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“Jennifer Scott is a lifelong sufferer of anxiety and depression.  A single mom, she writes about the ups and downs of her mental illness on SpiritFinder.org. The blog serves as both a source of information for people with mental illness and a forum where those living with anxiety and depression can come together to discuss their experiences.”

4 Ways to Navigate a Significant Life Change with Your Significant Other

Anytime you and your partner go through a major shift in your daily routine, it can be challenging for your relationship, as well as your individual lives. However, it’s also one of the best opportunities you will get to make your relationship better. Not only does it give you the chance to know each other more deeply, but it also allows you to learn ways that you can better show your commitment to one another.

So, whether you’re self-quarantined for the next few weeks, moving in together for the first time, or going through some other significant change, here are some tips and resources to help you turn it into the best thing ever for your relationship:

1. Get Healthy Together

Now is the perfect time to think about making healthy changes together. This could mean preparing healthy meals, boosting your workout routine, or seeking therapy.

Cooking for Two: 33 Healthyish Meals for You and Your Boo

Use Fitness Trackers to Enhance Your Workout Sessions

12 Ways to Make Your Home Healthier

Reach out to Help for Healing for Compassionate Counseling

2. Make Time for One Another

No matter how busy life gets, it’s crucial that you make time for each other. Here are just a few methods you can try.

Tried-and-Tested Strategies That Busy Couples Use to Spend More Time Together

The Key to Communication in Relationships

Watch a Movie Together To Improve Your Relationship

3. Have Fun

When making plans to spend quality time together, think about activities you both enjoy, or try something new. These resources offer fun ideas including games and hobbies.

Why Laughter Is The Most Important Thing In A Relationship

Top 17 Fun and Romantic Games for Couples

15 DIY Projects for Couples

100 Hobbies For Couples To Do Together

4. Honor the Need for Solitude

Taking some time to yourself is just as important as being with your significant other. If you’re not sure how to go about this, refer to these suggestions.

The Art Of Solitude In Relationships (And Why You Need It To Thrive)

How to Get Better at Spending Time Alone

Things To Do By Yourself

8 Things to Know About Meditation for Health

A significant life change can be the best thing ever for your relationship. Make a point to get healthy together, spend time with one another, add fun to your relationship, and prioritize time in solitude. And if you need some outside assistance, consider taking up couples counseling, offered by Help for Healing. Not only will you be a stronger couple, but you will also be happier individuals.

Thank you Jennifer, and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


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Reason, Season, or Lifetime

Have you heard that saying before? People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Sometimes we are surprised by which category then end up in. Mostly I think it’s when we expect people will be our forever friends. We can’t imagine our life without them. Lo and behold, they end up leaving our lives.

When I was looking at old home videos, I realized that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Endings aren’t always painful. Remembering them can be warm.

When I was in elementary school, we had the option of going Wednesdays on the bus to go to the local fire hall. Religion classes were held. Aunt Alice and Aunt Eunice were the teachers. Aunt Alice was this plump woman who exuded excitement. I remember raising my hand to say that yes, I accepted Jesus as my Savior.

My favorite time was the “Bible drills.” Everyone who wanted to play would hold their hand up with their Bible in their hands as Aunt Alice bellowed, “Draw swords!” Then she would ask a question about a Bible verse and the first one to stand and have the answer would win.

I’m proud to say I won often.

Even though my parents took us to church every week, it was Aunt Alice that got me excited about God. I would have never remembered it, but when I saw my 1988 wedding video, Aunt Alice and Aunt Eunice attended. What an honor that they came. I’m sure they have long since died, but they had such a great influence on my life.

Jim Gardner was another fond memory. He was my neighbor. He had diabetes, an artificial limb, and was blind. He was an inspirational speaker and taught about disabilities in several venues. I would clean his house once a week because his wife was super busy and exhausted all the time.

Well, I sort of cleaned. We talked most of the time. We talked about everything. Even though he was an adult, he wasn’t my parent so I could talk with him about life issues that I was afraid to talk to my parents about.

He wrote and recited a poem he wrote about me as the “toast to the bride” at my first wedding. In it, he talked about some of the memorable things my mom did for me. That warmed my heart too. I sang at his funeral a few years after that, but I loved seeing him again and remembering what a big role he played in my life.

Kent and Marci were my youth leaders throughout high school. I went to their house as often as I could. Marci played the organ and Kent read a Bible passage at my wedding. Every once in a great while, I will run into Marci. It feels like the 30 years melt away when I see her. I always wish we would re-connect more regularly, but it just doesn’t seem to happen.

I forgot that my high school friend Melinda sang at my wedding. We were “music heads” together in high school. Every few years we connect briefly. I saw another high school friend Diana recently. We both thought she didn’t attend my wedding but sure enough, we found video footage of her being there.

So the saying may be true. Some people come around for a reason (like a plumber), some for a season (like high school), and some for a lifetime (like your sisters when you realize they are also your friends.) But regardless, their influence can last a lifetime, no matter how much time they spend in person with you.

I’m grateful for all those people who helped shape my life for the better!


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Core Life Issues

A professor once said that our core issues are always our core issues. They cycle around as our life cycles around. Mine has always been not having a partner that loves me.

When I was looking at the video of my first marriage back in 1988, I remembered the years before the divorce. He told me he had not ever really loved me. I would pull out this box of letters from the summer we were engaged but not able to be together.

He wrote to me every single day. Sometimes, he wrote two letters. Seriously, would a guy really do all that if he wasn’t in love?

During the wedding reception, there was footage of our first dance together. You can see us talking but of course, you can’t hear the conversation. But I saw the non-verbals. He gave me a look and then squeezed me a certain way.

HA!! It had “I love you” all over it. You can deny it mister, but you did love me.

But the bigger AHA moment came after that. It was a present AHA as I sat on the couch. My issue isn’t that I’ve never had the love of a man. I absolutely have. More than once, actually. The problem is that love hasn’t endured. It has always changed in some way.

It got me thinking about all the messages I believed as I was growing up.

If love is true, it endures.

True love is perfect love.

Real love doesn’t leave.

I think those are dangerous myths to walk around with. If for no other reason, love can die because your partner dies. I’ve learned that too. Yes, love continues on in some ways, but let’s be honest. It’s not the same.

For another thing, only God is capable of perfect love. And even God turned away when Jesus bore the sins of the world on the cross.

My professor was right. Our core issues revisit it throughout life. But that doesn’t mean they don’t shift as our knowledge and experience grow. I’m working on watering mine and seeing how it develops.


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Enduring truths

Kathy, Oscar; photo courtesy of author

There are studies that show that sometimes even our strongest memories are inaccurate. We could swear such and such but if we had an actual recording, we would be surprised that things aren’t as we recall.

For years, whenever I was asked how I decided to become a therapist, I would tell them the way my story went in my head. I was going to be a missionary. Then I got married and my marriage went south. We started counseling. I was fascinated by the process I went through and what I learned about myself.

Plus, the missionary boards I had researched and chosen no longer wanted me because I was “divorced.” The big D. Also stands for “damaged goods.” Psychology made sense.

Then one day when I was scanning photo albums, I came across a newspaper article that was written about me when I was chosen to be “student of the month” in high school. In that article, I said that I intended to become a counselor.

Huh.

I could swear that went differently.

Now, remembering my story inaccurately is part of my story.

When I was recently watching home movies, I started with 1988 and my first marriage. Most of us girls dream about our wedding day from birth on. And choosing a lifelong mate is certainly an event of paramount importance. We all expect it to be our one and only wedding.

That’s why it cracked me up when I was shocked to find the video. I thought it had gotten lost, through no fault of my own. The minister who performed the ceremony asked to see our only copy of it and he finally came forward, embarrassed, to say he lost it.

Guess I remembered that story wrong because here I was watching it.

After the reception video was done, the wedding video started over again from another view. Oh yeah! We had two videos of the wedding, not one!

Then I had the “correct” memory.

It was my SECOND marriage video that got lost, not my first one.

Had to laugh at my own aging brain. It’s hard to keep all those marriages straight!

Some truths do last a lifetime.

For instance, truth be told, John (husband #1) was handsome back in the day. I had the chance to see him last year and he is still handsome 30 years later. He aged well.

John’s best friend Oscar gave the toast at our reception, just like tradition goes. Oscar was a close friend of mine as well and was the husband of my best friend Kathy.

I couldn’t believe how his toast nailed it. The enduring truths.

“John, you have a love for truth.” This was in the context mostly of faith and Christianity, which he later abandoned because it no longer seemed truthful to him. But Oscar was right. He searched for understanding. And he rubbed off on me. I take some of that passion with me to this day.

The other half of that toast was about me.

“Darcy, you have a love for people.”

Yep, still 100% true 30 years later. I would add that the next logical step is you love being able to help people and make a difference in their lives. It’s just natural when you love them.

Excellent job on the toast, Oscar.

And by the way, another enduring truth. Kathy and Oscar are still two of my favorite people in the world. They still get me in ways most people don’t. I treasure your continued presence in my life, you two!

(Not that they ever read my blogs…LMAO!)