Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


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Legal Lying

When I am with clients, I am very careful to articulate that while I may have some experience, I am NOT a doctor, and I am NOT a lawyer. I don’t want to misrepresent myself and give advice out of my scope of competence.

But holy crap, do I ever wish other professionals would do the same. Last week we were exposed to a lawyer that is everything that gives them a bad name. Why can someone who DOES have the official training and degree get to go out and blatantly lie about what is legal and what is not?

Poor Tim has been trying to sell his trailer since February. We thought we had a buyer a couple of weeks ago. Correction. We DID have a buyer. He signed a binding contract with an agreed-upon amount. It clearly stated the trailer was “as-is” and even a non-lawyer could understand it. Tim knew the guy and he is a close friend of two of our relatives. He was actually excited about buying it.

Then his “cousin” who is a lawyer got involved. It started weeks of nonsense. I mean utter nonsense. He was saying and doing things that are absolutely not the way a trailer is sold. A trailer is like buying a vehicle. Most people don’t even have a lawyer for the transaction. Couldn’t be more simple.

One of his brilliant suggestions was giving us a check for half the amount, allowing his cousin to live there for a while. If he decided he liked it, he would pay the other half. Who in their right mind would agree to that? Wish I could get a car dealership to agree to something like that.

I won’t bore you with the dozens of untrue things he said. I will tell you the day he was supposed to pay, they brought four people to the trailer. One was a home inspector. Oh yea, they lied about that too. He was a contractor, not a licensed inspector. They decided the trailer was “unsafe” and breached the contract. After they provoked Tim until he loudly told them to get off his property (with an expletive or two) he got applause from the ridiculously dressed lawyer. (He had on a suit and bow-tie.)

The kicker was discovering the contractor was trying to record it all. It honestly felt like the whole thing was a set-up. Perhaps they thought they could provoke Tim enough to hit someone so they could record it. They severely underestimated my guy.

What is beyond comprehension is that this lawyer works for the city of Buffalo. He’s high up and all over the Internet. Another lawyer explained to us that these city slickers are used to doing whatever they want. The follow-up communication was more nonsense with absolute untruths regarding the law.

It infuriates me. I already hate politics. Kills me that this guy can go around doing what he is doing because he knows he’s untouchable. The law doesn’t touch him. He calls himself a lawyer but advises people erroneously and without shame.

Anyone out there who is honest that wants to buy a trailer?


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Exclusive Rights

When I was guided through learning my personality type in the Eneagram, I discovered one of the worst things that could happen to me emotionally was to be excluded from something. I could give you several stories from my life where that happened. I get crushed when I find out I’ve been left out. Knowing it’s a personality thing helps soften the blow a little, but overall I still get bummed.

Last week I had to go to a funeral on Tim’s (my husband) side. It was a Catholic service, true to family tradition. I asked about whether it was appropriate to take communion and I was told that the priest will announce whether you need to be Catholic or not. If there is nothing said, it is ok, even if you are Protestant. The announcement came so I didn’t partake.

This week I had to go to a funeral on Tim’s (current partner) side. It was a Catholic service as well. I waited and sure enough the announcement came. There was also a lengthy explanation about Polish Catholic vs. Irish Catholic ritual and how to appropriately walk with your hands for the Eucharist depending on your background. I abstained again. Tim wasn’t really listening (lucky) so he went up anyway. His heart was in the right place.

I remember when I was in college at a fundamental Christian college, studying to be a missionary. When I came home on break and went to church with my family, I wasn’t allowed to take communion there either. They said if I was currently attending a Lutheran church, I couldn’t take it, even though I was baptized and confirmed there. Sigh.

I struggle with the whole thing. I feel like it is a good and polite thing to respect traditions. My heart isn’t interested in offending anyone, especially in a place where love is taught. Men don’t sing in the Buffalo Women’s Gateway Chorus. That’s exclusive to women, right?

I have to admit though, it feels a tinge different. For me, church is a place where God (and often Christ) is preached and the basis is love. Love with a capital “L” and in bright shining lights. Why would anyone want to discourage another human from participating in a ritual that brings our souls closer to God?

I remember in my years with more fundamental churches and being afraid sometimes to take communion. It was between God and the person, but the pressure was even worse. There was emphasis on the Bible verses that talk about how “some have gotten sick and even died because they took communion in a manner than was unworthy”. Holy cow (pun intended)! That’s enough pressure to keep the most saintly person from participating. I could get cancer or even fall over dead if I didn’t participate the RIGHT way.

Yikes.

I guess for now, in my 50’s, I feel like I’m on a good track. God is about inclusion and love to me. Come and share in the bounty. For those that believe differently, I will respect their wishes. But next time I think I will choose Tim’s path. If I don’t hear the restriction, I can take the bread and wine in good faith (pun intended) and enjoy the ritual that has meant so much throughout my lifetime. Alas, ignorance really is bliss sometimes.


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Hold ‘Em or Fold ‘Em?

I’ve been having some serious angst about what to do when I grow up. I was here in January of 2018 and now I’m back. I went to see my former spiritual director. She made reference in our conversation to the song by Kenny Rogers, “The Gambler.” It made me chuckle because I had just listened to that CD earlier this week after I don’t know how many years. Love his music.

I know that when it comes to my decision making, I don’t have a problem with stick-to-it-ness. I can hold ’em indefinitely. I will try every avenue no matter how long it takes or how frustrating it gets. My error usually lies in knowing when to fold ’em.

I’ve sought out some wise folks to help but it is still a daunting endeavor. Some say you have to do what you are passionate about. That is the foundation for all else. Others say it is primarily a job, an avenue for making money. Passion is the icing on the cake. I think I’ve decided you need to balance the two.

One of the things I got out of spiritual direction is that my underlying emotions are in conflict. We recently made a pretty large financial decision. While I think it was the “right” couple decision, I discovered I wasn’t as emotionally comfortable as I thought I was. I know it’s hard to believe that a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve so blatantly even has underlying emotions, but it does happen on rare occasions. At any rate, postponing financial wiggle room has made my work search a bit more frantic.

I love variety and I love that I have had so many different experiences in life where I have been able to earn money. At the same time, moments like this I wish I just had that one simple thing. So many of my endeavors require networking and advertising ad nauseum. How do you evaluate if you are using your time and energy wisely? How long do you keep having conversations that seem so promising but turn out to be fruitless before you just stop having them?

Anyhow, that is where I am at these days. I have an appointment with Darren in just a few moments. I’ve blogged about him several times over the years. He is the last “ear” that I have scheduled with and I am hoping we come up with some helpful plans of actions for how to move forward.

So please feel free to share your own stories. And keep those prayers coming. I need to know when to walk away and when to run. Or maybe stay put.


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Puppy Love

I have no great writing agenda today. I just think this puppy is so dang cute, I wanted to share my pictures of him. My brother introduced us to nine-week-old Willow yesterday. I had spoken to Randy on the phone earlier and his exhaustion and comments about what a pistol his new baby was had me laughing and intrigued.

I mean really, isn’t he priceless?

He did not disappoint. He is this tiny fur-ball with the energy of ten puppies. With three adults giving him full attention, Willow still managed to pee about five times on the rug. He ended up back in his pen a few times for biting with some razor-sharp puppy teeth. Actually, I would call it more like a death grip. He would get my shirt or sock so firmly implanted in his jaws, we couldn’t get him off.

Now how could we leave him in there for long?

After an hour I expected Willow to do the puppy thing and suddenly drop to sleep. It never happened. He would look sleepy, but it was all just a mischievous ploy to fool us into thinking we would get a break. But he’s worth every ounce of energy you put into him. I could tell you how soft and adorable he is, but the pictures speak for themselves.

No writing of depression, grief or medical nonsense this week. Just unadulterated cuteness. Hope you enjoy!


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Huh?

I had to give a presentation in Williamsville. Silly me, I was pretty nervous about it. Williamsville is a bit upscale and I was being hosted by these supposed power-house women who have been published and herald themselves as specializing in helping women in business. I wanted my presentation to be perfect.

What a joke.

The stories are limitless but I will highlight a few. They created an event on Facebook and then kept pressure on me to promote it daily (or more) for over two months. Along the way, they seemed to forget their promise to promote it as well. Two days before the event, my neighbor tried to buy a ticket and found the event closed for sales. I contacted them right away and they fixed it, but I was surprised at their error considering how pushy they were about Facebook.

I sent my power point to them well in advance and specifically asked to check a certain slide where I linked to a YouTube video. It is often tricky and I wanted it to go off without a hitch. They assured me they checked and it was fine. You can guess what I’m going to say next. When I arrived it’s the first thing I did and of course it was NOT working, which left me scrambling.

Well, the second thing. The first thing I had to do was bring up three loads of boxes to their second floor office. I showed up in an air-cast boot. Their elevator was broken. (Isn’t handicap accessibility a law-thing?) The partner that was there offered me no assistance. One of the participants who was also a friend ended up bringing up my boxes.

No refreshments there like they do for other workshops they host. What’s that about? Not even water for the speaker. That’s a given usually.

About two minutes before I began she asked me how long I was planning on talking. I said 60-90 minutes and she made it clear she had only planned on an hour. Nice thing to throw at a speaker last minute. I had a lot of material to cover. She made the event invitation. Last time I knew (no pun intended), 6-7:30 pm was 90 minutes, not 60.

Through my entire presentation, she played on her phone. She didn’t interact or participate. When it was over, I went through the same nonsense trying to get everything to the car. I asked her outright for help which she said she would do but then ignored me. The participants carried my things to the car.

She told me in front of the group she would email me the evaluations in the morning. Several days later, I had to ask for them. I also was in the uncomfortable position of having to ask for my check. There was no charge for the workshop per se, but we did charge $10 for materials. Each person left with a 3-ring binder with the information that was presented.

Another few days later, I received an email that said they would send half the amount. I was enraged. I put a call in and was told that the agreement was that we split the money 50/50. There was no such agreement.

But here is the real kicker of it all. Why would they even think they would get material money when they didn’t provide the materials? Not only did they provide nothing, I reminded them that I asked them no less than 3 times to make copies for me because I am a one-person operation and their answer was NO. They wouldn’t even copy one piece of paper for me. Yet they wanted half the material money. I was in shock.

Her final answer? If you provide me with receipts, I will be happy to give you your money. I could have peed myself.

My friend that referred me to them sent an email with her disgust and they agreed to give me the money that was mine. How nice of them. But they also went on to justify themselves by saying I was the one not prepared and didn’t know how to use PowerPoint. Completely not true.

What a joke that I was worried about impressing them. I have never been treated so rudely or unprofessionally. My evaluations were glowing, and I know the participants were disgusted with their behavior as well. I guess that is good enough, but man, I still really can’t believe it.

Why do I still get surprised at this stuff?


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Progress

I have been enjoying working with my lady and the organizing we have been attempting to. Here is one of the before and after photos I have:

I’m not sure what you think about that. Is it like, wow! What a huge difference!  Or is it like, big deal! It’s just one small wall.

I guess both statements are true. This job has gotten me thinking more about the dynamics around hoarding vs. disorganization. Usually when I go to a typical home where things have gotten a little out of hand, folks are just overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. Once we get going, they pick up momentum and catch on to my method. Next time I go there, I find they have been working on their own and making great progress.  Most people love feeling more free and less encumbered.

With hoarding, or on your way to being one, it seems to be a different dynamic. It usually develops over many, many years. I think people become completely unaware of how their environment has affected them. This lovely lady I work with sits quietly when I get excited about the finished section. I will tell her how great it looks and she will say calmly, “Whatever you say. I thought it was fine before.”  And I believe she really feels that way.

I am hoping with time she will develop some intrinsic motivation. If she doesn’t, I know what will happen. Things will just return to the way they were, which will put her at risk with the building managers. Keep your fingers crossed and say your prayers for her.


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Paying Forward

We got a new carpet this week. A crew of three came to rip up the old and put in the new. One was a female. The guys told me they love working with her because she works harder than 95% of the men on their crew. (No offense men, but that really isn’t surprising!)

She complimented the house and we ended up chatting. Found out she was struggling a bit. She lives in an apartment and is raising her granddaughter. Unfortunately, that usually means her child is either a drug addict or has a serious mental illness. I didn’t pry.

Turns out she could use some of the excess small tables I had that I was going to post and attempt to sell. I told her I would be happy to give her them which saves me the hassle of selling. She was very grateful but didn’t drive. Her boss picks her up every morning and takes her home and she didn’t want to put him out any further.

I went out to talk to “the boss.” I told him I was going to “bat my eyes” at him and he asked what it was I wanted. He had no problem taking the items for her. She was so thrilled. I mentioned that one of them had belonged to my dad. She saw a picture of him on the wall and said he looked kind. She also said she would say some prayers in his honor. It was a lovely and seemingly sincere moment.

She was hesitant to take it at first because of it belonging to him. I told her that keeping it would not bring him back, but it would make me happy to know that someone so kind and appreciative was using it.

It was a lovely day in spite of all the stress that house remodeling brings. For those of you that haven’t been here in a while, you should stop in and see the new bathroom and bedroom. Tim and I have made a great team and things are looking spiffy!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, especially those experiencing the loss of someone they care about. Holidays always seem to multiply the grief. 

And please share my post if you are able. Always trying to boost interest in these topics and hopefully expose my business. Love to all of you!