Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


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Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Well, nobody is perfect.

I said to Frankie, “Hey, remember when you were younger and I asked you to write my blog and you did?”

“Yeah, but I’m not writing it again.”

“Come on! I’m looking at a blank screen.”

“Well, think of something.”

“Frankie! At least give me an idea.”

“Fine, Mom. Write about how you ate all of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch this week.”

Last week I blogged about my attempts to eat and sleep better. I am happy to report that I did follow through with what I said I would. I set up an alarm appointment that reminded me to go to bed at 11 pm. Last night was my first night at 10:45. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fall asleep for anything.

I also set an alarm for 8 am to drink a protein shake. I am happy to say I either did that or ate bran flakes every morning to start off the day correctly. I haven’t felt like it is habit yet though, but soon I am hoping to add “no eating after 9 pm” then gradually work back to 7 pm.

I try. I really do. I have no idea if I’ve lost weight or not, but I try not to focus too much on pounds anyway. The goal is to be healthier. I don’t think that is just rhetoric, I really believe it’s an important dynamic to success.

But I still fail miserably sometimes. I might eat well all day, but at 10 pm I will eat something I shouldn’t. Thus the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I knocked off a box the other night, which consisted of two really full bowls plus another half.  Frankie informed me he doesn’t eat it anymore anyway, so I told him I won’t buy it. He said I buy it for me because I want it, and I told him that of course I WANT it, but I try not to eat sugar cereals so I really WON’T buy it anymore if he isn’t going to eat it.

He’s such a tattle tale. When he was really little, we went across the street to a neighbor’s party. I walked into the living room after visiting outside for a while to find a room of laughing adults. Frankie was in the center. He was telling them all about his mom’s Wii-Fit program. It has my weight down to a tenth of a gram. Also my BMI. He also delighted in showing the crowd several of my non-sexy exercise poses.

Traitor.

I went to a birthday party last weekend where we had a homemade cake from scratch with dark chocolate ice cream on the side. My “always eats healthy” friend mentioned a cake recipe that replaces sugar with beets. I could have died. I yelled out to the guests, “Anyone interested in a cake made with beets instead of sugar?” He almost slugged me. Definitely not me.

I will never be good at this weight and eating stuff. Never. But I also probably won’t ever stop trying to at least move in the right direction.  As they say in Alanon, “Progress, not perfection!” Amen, sister.


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A Day in the Life

The many hats I wear can be exhausting. Sometimes it’s the number of hats, and sometimes it’s the number of times I have to change them. And sometimes it’s how quickly I have to change them.

Doorbell rings. It’s my 18-year-old college student I have been hiring to help me with the yard work. The yard work has been overwhelming this year. That is because of the debacle with the neighbor in November which resulted in the privacy fence being put up, and other fencing coming down. Lots and lots of plants and bushes had to be replanted. She starts another job next week so I am trying to get as much done as I possibly can while I have her. I give her two or three jobs to focus on and then run off to do what else I have to do.

Computer work. Check all the emails. Ask clarifying questions about upcoming meetings. Quotes on Facebook for the business. Follow up on leads for the book and speaking engagements.

Dad pulls in. He has the picnic table he is giving me because he is hoping to move soon. Stop the student. Refocus her. Move the old picnic table, clean the new one. Yep, do that first because otherwise Dad might try to do it and he really shouldn’t be lifting things or carrying things with his balance issues.

Keep Dad busy. Give him the dreaded basket full of socks that need to be matched.

Back to phone calls. Dad wants to move. After months of trying to persuade him to downsize with seemingly little effect, he now is ready. And he is ready right now. Can’t happen fast enough for him. I try to get him to catch his breath. Let’s not just make up a number. I have calls in to my mortgage friends I trust. They give me the right direction which now involves more phone calls. Waiting for calls back.

Client comes. Put my focus on. Go in and talk to them and be fully present for the things they are struggling with. Actually like this because it involves a full hour of one thing and one thing only on my mind.

More computer work. I’m scanning lots of documents and pictures I found at Dad’s house while we were cleaning out Mom’s closet and bedroom. Send emails to my siblings and ask them what they want. This goes on throughout the whole day because I scan in between everything else. Can’t get rid of the large pile for a week though because one sibling is camping and has no internet access. I have to wait an entire week before I get an answer. That’s ok. I will just add it to the 20 or so boxes of stuff of Dad’s that I have been trying to sell. So far zero success. Haven’t sold one thing.

Student ready for more work. Damn, she’s really good and pretty quick as well. I have to keep her busy though while she’s here so out to the yard again for the next set of directions.

Holy cow, I am going to sell a bench. Back and forth text and emails several times, but she is coming to buy it at 6 PM. Have to remember she is coming. But we actually sold something!

In comes Mark. He is working on fixing the ceiling in the office. He has to be there when I don’t have clients. He has a few other things to fix too but I’m not sure how much he can get to in the limited time he has.

Surprise! Matthew (my step-son) shows up with my granddaughter. She is delightful and I wish I could scoop up every second with her. But she is terribly attached to her daddy so there is about 20 minutes of piercing screaming until she gets used to being with us again. We wait it out and eventually we are able to interact with her. I put everything else aside for the time being because she is my priority. I can’t get the cutest video ever to load on this so you can check out my Facebook page if you want to see her.

Dad asks if I am ever going to put those socks away. Really? Really?

I have another client coming but I am now filthy and have to jump in the shower. No shampoo. I call for Colin. He goes in the storage cabinet and there is no shampoo there either. Are you kidding? How did I let that happen? Luckily, the boys have some upstairs so I can actually finish my shower. Gotta remember to get to the store.

There’s only a hundred or so other things I did but don’t have the energy to write them all. It’s a new day.

My student has arrived and I send her to Home Depot with a list of things we need to keep going on the lawn. Then my brilliance kicks in and I send her also to Dollar Tree to get me five bottles of shampoo. Should have gotten 10 probably.

I start my blog but Dad is up and wants to know if we are out of cereal. I find some in the basement. Phew. Phone rings. Another realtor call. Left several messages for the place Dad is waiting for an apartment. I’ve left four so far but no response.

I let out a heavy sigh. Writing is almost done for today. Tonight is Frankie’s Jr. National Honor Society Induction. Can’t miss that. Because oh yeah, I’m still raising kids. LOL. Just means I had to reschedule clients for Friday night. I don’t normally work on Friday nights but tomorrow I have five at night, one in the morning. Sigh again.

Not really trying to complain. It isn’t that. But sometimes people tell me not to be stressed. Sometimes they offer to help. But they really have no idea at all what is happening in my life. They couldn’t possibly begin to understand or even manage half of it. Summer and I talk about this because we have similar amounts of responsibilities. The best is when other people act like we are the crazy ones who stress ourselves and then everyone else. That couldn’t be further from the truth. What we need is no critics, and people who will actually help. Follow through, be there even when it isn’t convenient.

Regardless, I will keep doing what I can do and somehow try to take care of myself in the process. I do a lot of mind gymnastics where I convince myself I can only do what I can and that is good enough. Period. And I really am ok with that.