Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


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Exceptional

I’ve noticed that people fit into categories. Take waiters, for instance.

There are those who don’t do their job. They goof up your order. Your food is cold. Maybe they charge you the wrong amount.

There are those who just do their job, the minimum amount. When I go to Denny’s and ask for a cappuccino, they say, “We only have iced, no hot.” Fair enough. Hot is not on their menu.

Then there is Sharon. She is Summer’s and my favorite waitress at Denny’s. We ask to be in her section. When I ask Sharon for a cappuccino, she says,”We only have iced, but why don’t I put a cup in the microwave for you?” Now that is exceptional service. She isn’t required to go the extra mile, but she suggests it and then she does it. Summer and I always make sure we tell her how much we appreciate her. We both have lives that involve taking care of others. We love going to Denny’s for an hour and having Sharon take care of us. It means the world to us.

People are like that in general. There are those who just aren’t around when you need them. You don’t even ask because you know they aren’t going to say yes. Maybe it isn’t their “job” or maybe it is, but it doesn’t matter. They aren’t going to.

There are those who help, but only if it is convenient for them. “Sure, I can do that because I don’t have anything else going on.” Sometimes this is the hardest group of people to deal with. It’s not like they never do anything, so they can easily defend themselves. Often times, these are the people who say, “All you have to do is ask. Any time, day or night. I’m here for you.” And they believe that it’s true. Often, there is little insight into their own behavior. Self-awareness is not one of their fortes. You are grateful for what they offer, but you know there are great limitations to what they will do.

Then there are those exceptional Sharons in the world. They are the ones that actually sacrifice. Sacrifice. Give something up for someone else. I’ve come across a few exceptionals lately.

One is Dad’s urologist. I asked her for her phone number so I could reach her any time of day or night. She gave it to me immediately. I’ve had to text her a number of times with all of his emergencies. She responds every time.

Monday was Labor Day. Dad was out of a medical supply that I frantically tried over two and a half hoursto find. It was beyond ridiculous. His doc and I texted several times. I traced lead after lead after lead just hitting brick walls thanks to medical bureaucracy, which generally has no common sense whatsoever. Eventually, I came across Eric’s name, the district manager. He said he lived in Syracuse and wondered if I could meet him half way. Syracuse is over two hours away. I could do it because I was desperate. But then Dad’s is another 45 minutes away.

Eric called back and said that no way was he asking me to drive on a holiday. He drove over two hours to arrive directly at Dad’s apartment with plenty of medical supplies. Then he apologized to me for having to call several times to find the right place. Are you kidding me? I couldn’t believe he did that for us. I don’t care if it was his company’s fault that Dad had run out. That man didn’t have to do that. It was a holiday for him too. I couldn’t even explain to him that I could care less that it was a holiday. But I was truthfully overwhelmed with the last five days with Dad’s enormous medical responsibilities. I had spent hours and hours every single day to care for him, canceling work, etc.. I could have cried for joy when he said he would take care of it. Total stranger. Eric, you rock!

The next day, the nurse from the doc’s office called. I had put a call in earlier because Dad was also out of his medication samples and needed a script. She called me back to inform me that he needed authorization from insurance and it would take several days. She said she would bring me samples. Where could I meet her? She chose a diner between our houses and I met her there. I asked if I could buy her breakfast. She said she would eat with me but that I wasn’t going to buy. She handed me 12 bottles of samples. I absolutely insisted I buy breakfast. Almost total stranger. Amy, you rock.

We all have legitimate bitches and complaints about the world we live in, and the people who occupy that world with us. But I don’t ever want to lose sight of those who are exceptional. They are truly out there. I try to sacrifice for others, but I fail at times. Thanks to those of you who remind us what it means to care sacrificially about others.


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Fun with Ultrasound

You know my theory. Face the glass half-empty and then from that space, find the half-full. Caring for an aging parent can definitely be a taxing experience. But I have found some fun things that are happening because of caring for Dad. One big thing, is I’m spending a lot more time with my brother than I ever used to.

Dad had his follow-up ultrasound today so my brother Alex drove him out. Dad still drives, but only short distances. We drive over to the radiology center and who knew an ultrasound could lead to so many laughs? Dad and I sit down while Alex parks the truck. I go over to get a cup of tea and ask Dad if he wants some coffee. Now, Alex and I are actually pretty evil when it comes to being children. I know Dad likes his coffee, but I know he can’t have any until after his ultrasound. Alex comes in and he gets some coffee. We all sit down and Alex offers Dad a sip of his coffee. Like I said, we are equally pretty evil.

We get called back to register but there is only one seat. I would normally do Dad’s paperwork but they need his signature. I sit on Dad’s lap, but I know I will crush him. The nurse laughs and the rest of the paperwork is simple. Back to the waiting room. Dad hands me his phone. I look at Alex and hand it to him. I kind of like not being the number one person anymore. Alex is the one that spends more time with him and is taking him home. Alex pockets the phone and then says to Dad, “What about your wallet?” Evil. Entertaining for the people in the waiting room though.

After Dad goes back to the actual ultrasound, Alex and I decide to tell him when he gets out that we got bored waiting and went to breakfast without him. Not to worry. We let him know we were happy to go through a McDonald’s drive-thru for him.

Denny’s is our new favorite hang-out after medical appointments so off we went. Dad wants to sit in a booth so we get planted in the middle of “old person camp.” I tell him I am going to say hi to some friends I see and Alex says,”You have friends?” with great surprise in his voice.

Sitting next to Alex, I am dying because the old man behind me is blowing his nose so loudly it is turning my stomach. For whatever reason, Alex can’t even hear it which I find astounding. About five minutes later, the old man across from us starts blowing his nose. I look at Alex and we crack up. Shortly after that, Alex knocks my elbow off the table. I look at him and he nods at Dad. Sure enough, Dad pulls out his hanky and blows his nose. Alex and I are rolling on the floor by now.

Until Dad gets his bladder procedure done, the poor guy has to go to the bathroom every 10-15 minutes. The joke is old as dirt but after trip number one, I ask him, “Did everything come out ok?” The answer is yes with a slight smile. After trip number two, I ask, “Did you find it ok?” And the joke is on me this time. Dad looks at me without a pause and replies, “Yes, I have a string tied around it.” Now all three of us are rolling on the ground. My sister ended up calling right after that. We put her on speaker phone which livened things up even more.

Dad had a gift card and Alex picked up the rest of the tab and the tip. On the way home, I tell him I understand now why Dad prefers my brother drive. He always picks up the tab. When I’m with Dad, I always let him pick up the tab. I did say that I offer to pay on occasion, but I know he will say no and I only offer once. Either way, now that there is three of us, I’m about 99% guaranteed I am getting a free meal out of the gig.

Next week we go the cute surgeon’s again. Alex will be with us this time. God only knows what will happen.


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Clever Forgetting

My friend Summer is NOT a morning person. When I say that, I mean she really is NOT a morning person. She had a rare occasion today where she had to be what she calls awake “ugly early” and wanted to know if I would meet her for breakfast. I agreed, especially because “ugly early” is the norm for me because of Frankie getting up for school.

I texted her because I had a $5 off coupon at a different restaurant than we had planned. She called to get the location and I answered and said, “Good timing.” I had just walked back in the house after driving Frankie to school. Her response? “No, this is not good timing. This is a filthy time of the morning to be up.” Yep, that’s Summer at 8 AM.

I get to the restaurant before her, and I realize in the parking lot that I walked out with my phone and the car keys. No purse. The coupons are kept in the car so I have that. If I went back home to get my purse, Summer would be waiting. I’m talking to my friend on the phone and he laughs at me. How many times have I pulled that one on Summer? He says that because I have often not brought my purse when we run errands together. Oops.

I break the news to Summer when she pulled in. Can you buy? I’m an idiot. She rolls her eyes at me and says I have a clever way of getting people to buy me breakfast. I remind her that it’s like I’m contributing $5 because of the coupon. That makes me feel a little better.

We sit down and I realize that I also down’t have my cheater glasses. They are in my purse. Duh. We are looking at the menu and the waitress takes my coupon. You can’t use this coupon until after 4 PM. Now you have to understand, this is a pancake house. It’s a breakfast restaurant. Who the heck would expect a coupon for there that can’t be used until night time? And of course, this is NOT the age of customer service. She wouldn’t let us use it anyway. So we got up and left. I hope they were proud of sticking to their guns. They made no sale at all.

We went to the original place we were supposed to go. Good ‘ol Denny’s. Much more reasonable prices. Of course, it didn’t really matter to me. I didn’t pay anyway. No coupon contribution either. A couple of cups of coffee and hours later, we stop to see some friends who were also there. I told them my story and asked if I looked sincere when I said I “forgot” my purse. They told me I should blog about poor Summer and how I took advantage of her. So I did.

Thanks for breakfast, Summer. I PROMISE, I will buy next time!