Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


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Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Well, nobody is perfect.

I said to Frankie, “Hey, remember when you were younger and I asked you to write my blog and you did?”

“Yeah, but I’m not writing it again.”

“Come on! I’m looking at a blank screen.”

“Well, think of something.”

“Frankie! At least give me an idea.”

“Fine, Mom. Write about how you ate all of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch this week.”

Last week I blogged about my attempts to eat and sleep better. I am happy to report that I did follow through with what I said I would. I set up an alarm appointment that reminded me to go to bed at 11 pm. Last night was my first night at 10:45. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fall asleep for anything.

I also set an alarm for 8 am to drink a protein shake. I am happy to say I either did that or ate bran flakes every morning to start off the day correctly. I haven’t felt like it is habit yet though, but soon I am hoping to add “no eating after 9 pm” then gradually work back to 7 pm.

I try. I really do. I have no idea if I’ve lost weight or not, but I try not to focus too much on pounds anyway. The goal is to be healthier. I don’t think that is just rhetoric, I really believe it’s an important dynamic to success.

But I still fail miserably sometimes. I might eat well all day, but at 10 pm I will eat something I shouldn’t. Thus the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I knocked off a box the other night, which consisted of two really full bowls plus another half.  Frankie informed me he doesn’t eat it anymore anyway, so I told him I won’t buy it. He said I buy it for me because I want it, and I told him that of course I WANT it, but I try not to eat sugar cereals so I really WON’T buy it anymore if he isn’t going to eat it.

He’s such a tattle tale. When he was really little, we went across the street to a neighbor’s party. I walked into the living room after visiting outside for a while to find a room of laughing adults. Frankie was in the center. He was telling them all about his mom’s Wii-Fit program. It has my weight down to a tenth of a gram. Also my BMI. He also delighted in showing the crowd several of my non-sexy exercise poses.

Traitor.

I went to a birthday party last weekend where we had a homemade cake from scratch with dark chocolate ice cream on the side. My “always eats healthy” friend mentioned a cake recipe that replaces sugar with beets. I could have died. I yelled out to the guests, “Anyone interested in a cake made with beets instead of sugar?” He almost slugged me. Definitely not me.

I will never be good at this weight and eating stuff. Never. But I also probably won’t ever stop trying to at least move in the right direction.  As they say in Alanon, “Progress, not perfection!” Amen, sister.


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Food

I am on a new depression medicine, prescribed by an actual psychiatrist. So far, it has been pretty good with the exception of not being able to sleep. I saw the doc today and she says the insomnia is a short term effect, which is good news. If I have my druthers, I would go to sleep by 9 every night and sleep til 7 the next morning. Once this week I was still awake at 4 AM!

Now what does that have to do with food? Well, I’m glad you asked. You also know I’ve been doing this pre-diabetic lifestyle change. Good news, no great news, is that I’ve lost 12 and a half pounds so far. If you know me well, you know that’s a miracle.

I was told once by a nutritionist several years ago that eating at night is like doubling your intake. So if you eat 3 cookies, it’s as if you’ve actually eaten 6. That, of course, is not good.

I do pretty well eating healthy throughout the day. But if I’m home at night, that is my weakness. And if I’m staying up til 1, 2, 3, or 4 AM, that is definitely a long time for me to try and stave off my cravings.

Yesterday morning, Frankie asked me where the Lucky Charms were. He said he could swear we had a box in the basement. I told him I opened them and they were definitely in the cupboard. He couldn’t find them so I looked. The box was gone because there was only a little left in the bag. The bag was there with a tiny bowl of cereal left. Frankie said he just didn’t remembered eating them. I had to confess that it was me. Ok, so one of my late night cheats was a bowl of sugar cereal. I mean, like 4 bowls. Oops.

But the worst happened the other night. Colin bought a bag of Munchos potato chips. If you haven’t ever had them, you really should try them. They are my favorite. Pringles are a close second, but these are the best. I saw the unopened bag on the counter in the kitchen and I resisted the whole day. The entire day I walked by them.

About 1 AM, I couldn’t take it anymore. I got up to get them, and discovered they were no longer on the counter. Damn it! I realized the boys had taken them up to their room, but surely I am the only one in the house that would eat an entire bag in one sitting. (Or leave just a little left like I did with the Lucky Charms!)

So I got my cell phone and turned the flashlight on. I crept up the stairs as silently as I could and walked in the bedroom. I eventually found that stupid bag of chips. Most of the contents were still in there, thank goodness. Getting the bag out without rattling the paper was very difficult. Colin stirred and rolled over. I snuck out on tiptoe.

I asked him the next day if I woke him up. He said he thought it was Frankie but realized I was too tall. Then he just assumed it was a burglar or monster of sorts but he was too out of it to respond. Then it hit him. He knows me. He knows I love Munchos.

I did leave a small amount in the bag. I was thrilled when I got on the scales and discovered I had still lost some weight. I couldn’t help thinking how much lower the number would have been without those late night feeding frenzies.

When you say your prayers for me, ask them I get back to sleeping better. My weight depends on it!