Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


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3 Reasons Older Adults Are Cranky

My new aging client is keeping me extremely busy. She is also keeping me on my toes. Now I’m a tender heart, so even though I understand what is happening, I am still sensitive when she snaps at me. Thank goodness she has stopped firing me. However, I still got those calls when she is irate about something she thinks I did or didn’t do. I get it though. I can only try to imagine what it must be like to be in her shoes.

  1. Change is hard. Any person of any age should be able to admit that. There is no gain without loss. There is no beginning without an ending. Even the happiest change has an underlying sadness. Most older folks are not happy about the changes they are often forced to make.
  2. Speaking of shoes, I have probably donated over 50 pairs of shoes. I mean, these are expensive, classy shoes. Lots of them have never even been worn. Unfortunately, her feet are now permanently swollen so much that there are very few styles she can even wear. At home, she is just barefoot most of the time. Irreversible changes in your body can be heartbreaking.
  3. It is with great sadness that I throw out some of her things. She is sad as well but I feel like we should have a moment of silence, over and over again. The worst so far? Not one, but TWO novels she wrote. I discovered a ginormous stack of papers. One novel was over a thousand pages. Every one typed. Typed, not printed out of a computer. Two novels never published. Tossed into a recycling bin. I told her this generation doesn’t have to work that hard. We type into a computer that has a spell check. It’s so easy for us in comparison. God only knows how long it took her to write those novels. Took less than five seconds to toss them. How do you watch a lifetime of work get simply tossed?

I could go on and on. Working like this brings back lots and lots of memories of Dad. I remember the frustrations linked with sadness at what was happening with him. I am learning patience and increasing compassion every day. If you are in this situation with someone you care about, take lots and lots of deep breaths, and then try to understand what is underneath all that crankiness.


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Care Calendar

There ought to be a name for people who are elderly, but not in need of a nursing home. My dad fits right in that in-between category. He is able to live on his own, but not without some assistance. He needs more than nothing, but doesn’t need to be in full-time care.

He and I recently had a talk again about where he lives. He is in a one-bedroom apartment. He isn’t quite ready to move in with me and my family, and he doesn’t want to live in an assisted living home. Frankly, they can be a bit pricey. The next thing you know, your life savings is gone. (I mean your LIFE savings… a person’s entire work life savings.)

I asked him if it would help if his family/friends set-up a calendar so he had some things to look forward to. He thought that was  a good idea so I was glad. I was also overwhelmed though. I knew that I would have to be a lot of phone calls and also figure out a way to keep everyone informed. I felt the stress radiate through  my shoulders. Then it hit me.

Care Calendar! When Tim was sick, our friend from church was kind enough to be the administrator for our Care Calendar site. For those of you who haven’t heard of it, take note because it is an amazing site. You can find it on carecalendar.org and it is free. They encourage you to make a donation if you want, but it is free to utilize.

I spent the afternoon setting up a page for Dad. It was well worth the time investment. It is literally just what it says, a calendar. On that calendar, you can put as many “needs” as you would like. I set up meals, grocery shopping, transportation, apartment cleaning. and visiting. People (“helpers”) can then visit the site if given a code, and sign-up to take care of any of the needs listed. There is even a separate code for more sensitive/personal items that you wouldn’t want the general public to see.

When a person signs up, they give their name and email address. When it is time, they will receive a reminder email that says, “Don’t forget, you are bringing Joe Schmo dinner today.” As the coordinator, I also get an email that says, “So and so is bring Joe Schmo dinner today.” It’s an excellent system.

With the meal example, it will also show relevant information. For example, I set it up to tell people what Dad’s diet restrictions are. Currently, he is on a “mechanical soft” diet, which I define for them and also give examples of things that would be good for him to eat. The calendar can show what the person plans to bring him too so others will know and he won’t get the same type of food every day.

It really is an amazing tool and I can personally attest to the remarkable difference it made for Tim and I when he was sick. We were able to concentrate on him because our basic needs were totally cared for. I have such fond (and humbling!) memories of that part of our journey. People’s kindness was overwhelming. I am hoping that this works well for Dad too, although his needs are minimal compared to someone with a terminal illness.

Thank you to the family that started this brilliant site. And we will definitely be making a donation in the future 🙂 !