Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


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Food

I am on a new depression medicine, prescribed by an actual psychiatrist. So far, it has been pretty good with the exception of not being able to sleep. I saw the doc today and she says the insomnia is a short term effect, which is good news. If I have my druthers, I would go to sleep by 9 every night and sleep til 7 the next morning. Once this week I was still awake at 4 AM!

Now what does that have to do with food? Well, I’m glad you asked. You also know I’ve been doing this pre-diabetic lifestyle change. Good news, no great news, is that I’ve lost 12 and a half pounds so far. If you know me well, you know that’s a miracle.

I was told once by a nutritionist several years ago that eating at night is like doubling your intake. So if you eat 3 cookies, it’s as if you’ve actually eaten 6. That, of course, is not good.

I do pretty well eating healthy throughout the day. But if I’m home at night, that is my weakness. And if I’m staying up til 1, 2, 3, or 4 AM, that is definitely a long time for me to try and stave off my cravings.

Yesterday morning, Frankie asked me where the Lucky Charms were. He said he could swear we had a box in the basement. I told him I opened them and they were definitely in the cupboard. He couldn’t find them so I looked. The box was gone because there was only a little left in the bag. The bag was there with a tiny bowl of cereal left. Frankie said he just didn’t remembered eating them. I had to confess that it was me. Ok, so one of my late night cheats was a bowl of sugar cereal. I mean, like 4 bowls. Oops.

But the worst happened the other night. Colin bought a bag of Munchos potato chips. If you haven’t ever had them, you really should try them. They are my favorite. Pringles are a close second, but these are the best. I saw the unopened bag on the counter in the kitchen and I resisted the whole day. The entire day I walked by them.

About 1 AM, I couldn’t take it anymore. I got up to get them, and discovered they were no longer on the counter. Damn it! I realized the boys had taken them up to their room, but surely I am the only one in the house that would eat an entire bag in one sitting. (Or leave just a little left like I did with the Lucky Charms!)

So I got my cell phone and turned the flashlight on. I crept up the stairs as silently as I could and walked in the bedroom. I eventually found that stupid bag of chips. Most of the contents were still in there, thank goodness. Getting the bag out without rattling the paper was very difficult. Colin stirred and rolled over. I snuck out on tiptoe.

I asked him the next day if I woke him up. He said he thought it was Frankie but realized I was too tall. Then he just assumed it was a burglar or monster of sorts but he was too out of it to respond. Then it hit him. He knows me. He knows I love Munchos.

I did leave a small amount in the bag. I was thrilled when I got on the scales and discovered I had still lost some weight. I couldn’t help thinking how much lower the number would have been without those late night feeding frenzies.

When you say your prayers for me, ask them I get back to sleeping better. My weight depends on it!


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MOTIVATION

The good news is that I am booked to appear on AM BUFFALO on Monday, March 11, 10:00 AM, channel 7. This is the Monday before the book launch, which is perfect timing. The show and the launch are both a reminder to me that yes, after 25 years or so of struggling, I am still overweight. Most maddening is that I lost it a few years ago and then gained most of it back.

I’ve tried it all – diets, “life-style changes”, exercise… I know about toxins and all the things I shouldn’t eat. Hence, my latest attempt that I have never tried before. Hypnosis. While I would love for there to be a magic pill where I could eat whatever I wanted and still be healthy, I’m pretty sure that won’t happen in my lifetime. So I’m not trying to find the fast cure, just trying to find some motivation. I WANT to eat bad stuff. I DON’T WANT to eat healthy proteins and vegetables. Maybe hypnosis can help.

I had my first session on Friday. To my great surprise, I went under very easily. You know everything that is happening so it’s not scary or anything. First he had me do some image work. This kind of thing always fascinates me, or I guess I should say what comes out of it. The side of me that wants to be healthy and trim took on a red color, heart in shape but it was very fluid and flowing. The side of me that is stuck was a solid black rectangle, non-moving. I thought the image work would have the red swallow the black. However, my brilliant hypnotist wanted me to blend them together because both “sides” serve a purpose in our lives. (Remind you of the glass half-empty and half-full?) So the black became an outline around the heart, but the heart still moved around. It kept more form but it still was fluid. Interesting.

Then I got to picture all the foods I love but are unhealthy for me on my kitchen island. I’m not lucky enough to have one vice like sweets or salts. I love them all. So my island was full of cookies, potato chips, doritoes, cake, and carbs like breads and stuff too. While I was drooling on myself, he then added to the image that all of those foods were dripping with thick, white, slimy fat. He pointed out how disgusting they all looked. Makes me want to throw up even as I’m writing this. Then he told me to knock it all off the counter. When he said this, he snapped his fingers and said “Beets!”. We had discussed earlier that beets are a food I really hate. He wants me to associate those yummy but bad foods with beets. Interesting though, it’s not so I see them as just “bad”, but to break down the hard line barriers of good and bad food in my head.

Lots of homework. Cds to listen to, a workbook to read and do exercises in. So much for the magic pill theory. But I think I’m ready to take this on. All the exciting things that are coming up are making me be a little more willing to face my life-long demons. You ought to try it. I’m not sure yet how it will “work”, but so far it’s been fascinating and fun. Gotta go and make my protein shake 🙂