Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


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A Thankless Job

Can you guess what it is? Parenting. Well, maybe that isn’t quite fair. Kids are pretty cute and grateful until about age 4, maybe longer if you are lucky. Then it turns off until in their thirties, or maybe when they are off on their own, or when they have kids of their own. That’s what they say anyway.

I’m still waiting. I’m a lot better at accepting all of this as developmentally normal when I have my therapist hat on. When I have my parenting hat on, I’m completely confused. I would literally give my life for these suckers. Don’t they see it? And if they do, how can they possibly not be grateful?

I’ve got a few of them at different ages. One isn’t talking to me, going on month five. When there are grandkids involved, the pain takes on a whole other level. The holidays only increase that disappointment by a hundred times or so.

The teenager… Is it enough to just say he’s a teenager? He’s absolutely great as far as the things that lead kids astray. No drugs, drinking, sex, violence, and so on and so on. But he truly recoils if he brushes up against me. Even when you are trying to do something nice like get him a gift, he is a total disrespectful punk sometimes. I just don’t get it.

Another one is just moody. One day you walk in the kitchen and suddenly there is no eye contact whatsoever. There is no response to even the most simple question. It’s like I’m completely invisible. Like I’m not even in the damn room. I just wonder what the hell happened from yesterday.

I just pray and pray and pray that someday it will get better. I love my children and grandchildren so much that my chest hurts when I think about them. There is nothing more valuable to me than them. As we approach the holidays, I want to say with a thousand percent sincerity, I don’t want a thing from them. Not even the tiniest object. I just want them to love me and I want them to let me love them. Nothing would make my heart soar more than that.

Stinkers. I adore them though.


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When it Rains…

You know the rest. It pours. Although all things considered, I’m not drowning. I just feel soaked through and annoyed.

A couple of nights ago, I was working on the computer and hearing a weird water sound. I went to investigate and discovered the dishwasher was flooding the kitchen floor. Crap. I had actually just declined an invitation to go swimming on a perfect, beautiful night because I was too tired to put a swim suit on. Now that is tired. Thank God for google though. We actually repaired the dishwasher, at least for now. I didn’t know how I was going to pay for that too.

A couple of days before that, I walked Taffy and came back to my car only to discover it wouldn’t start. Stand in the 90 degree heat and wait for your friend to come and jump your battery. I was ticked because my battery isn’t that old. That’s because it wasn’t the battery. A jump didn’t work so we had to wait for triple A. It was the starter.  Car got towed. Another $540 later my car is back in the driveway. In two weeks I will probably trade it in, but you know how things go. I had to sink some money in before I got rid of it.

As soon as the hot weather breaks, they are coming to fix my roof. For yet another grand and some change, I will make the FIFTH attempt to have it repaired. Ever since the seven feet of snow dumped on our roof I haven’t been able to successfully stop the leaks in my roof. I repair it, then repair the kitchen and bathroom walls and ceilings. The next winter I just start all over again.

It’s all just normal life. I found myself saying this week that I’m sick of being a grown-up. I haven’t felt that ache on my shoulders in my while, the one I get from the weight of the world resting on my single-mom-you’re-the-only-one-responsible-for-everything shoulders, but it came back with a vengeance this week.

My foot surgery is mid-October, but until then I will also live regularly with pain that makes my eyes water. Each day it seems like I walk less and less before I have to stop and ice them.  I completely allow myself a pity-party but then I do the grateful thing. At least I have a car, dishwasher, and roof to break. And I’m super proud of the fact that Colin and I have managed to not only keep our home, but keep it in great shape. We’ve had two big pool bashes this week that were a huge success. Seeing everyone enjoy themselves makes it worth it.

But if you are ever around and want to rub my shoulders a bit, I won’t say no.