Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


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Callouses

Today I went to see my very much-loved doctor, Grace. My sister is in town this week so she went with me. I invited her because today was a depression/medication appointment and I know I worry my sister all the time and thought it might help her know who is watching over me.

It was a good appointment, as always. They are usually running behind because Grace spends so much time with every person. I can’t get mad when I have to wait because I know why it happens. Today, though, there was not even a wait.

We went through the medication thing and we added another one to my regimen. It needs to be taken in the morning. I need to figure out how to make that happen. I know it sounds like a simple thing, but sometimes I don’t get to my pill-box until 4 in the afternoon. Actually, today it was 5 pm. I will come up with something to train myself.

Scott, my counselor, suggested I do some research on Dr. Daniel Amen. Being the compliant client I am, I looked him up. I am going to spend time weekly reading/listening to some of his stuff. He is a psychiatrist that uses SPECT brain scans to treat his patients. He says we need to treat individual brains rather than clusters of symptoms. He made total sense to me and I was sold. Brain scan is not something I’ve tried.

I asked Grace and of course she knew what I was talking about. She is always mentioning the latest research on such and such. Do we even have anything like that in Buffalo? There is ONE doctor. That was actually more than I thought. I was envisioning traveling to Chicago regularly. She said I will probably have to wait several months, but that he uses SPECT scans and then farms to his mid-level staff once you are seen and diagnosed. That’s fine with me. Grace was in favor of it because she knows I have tried just about everything known to humankind to beat my depression and haven’t been able to. (I still think meeting a man who is actually a decent partner would help tremendously, but we all know how THAT has worked out!)

I will call his office tomorrow. I don’t care if I have to wait a year, at least I will get the process started. Grace, my sister and I chatted about my symptoms. We all agreed. Somehow, even though I seem to “heal” and “move on” from loss, I carry the scar with me throughout my entire life. That is why I feel so exhausted and used up, like my soul has been chipped away at for decades and I’m finally calling, “UNCLE”!

Then Grace said something that struck me. She said that when a bone/muscle is broken/injured, scar tissue forms over scar tissue. She said the fascinating part is that scar tissue can become stronger than the original bone ever was. I had never heard that. I just looked at her through my watery eyes and said, “Why do I feel anything but strong? I feel so spent.”

I don’t remember what her response actually was. I did walk away feeling like maybe I’m just not there yet. Like maybe my scar tissue is still just forming. The strength may be around the corner. Look out, because if this is true, I am going to be STRONG LIKE BULL with all the scar tissue I have accumulating.

Thanks Grace, and thanks Sissy. I am lucky to have people who care about me and weep when I weep. I promise, I will keep trying to heal.


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Yay!

In a month that has been filled with a lot of difficult situations to deal with, I am also grateful for some sweet moments as well. There has been a mending of relationships which has made my heart smile broadly, which I could desperately use more of these days.

Sometimes the relationships don’t look exactly the same as they did before, but you can experience healing none-the-less. One was a more recent experience that occurred about six months ago. It was a professional relationship. It took some time, but eventually heartfelt apologies were offered and things are going to eventually resume on a professional level when some logistics are taken care of. I had been hopeful this would eventually happen and I am glad to say it did.

The other was of a more personal nature. There was a professional component to it as well, but the real nature of the wounds were quite personal for both parties. This one has been a bleeding wound for over six years. Sure, time made some of it heal, but every once in a while the scab would get agitated and the pain would resume. I wasn’t sure this one would ever get better.

For a couple of years, I thought it would be impossible to feel better unless there was a complete acknowledgement of every piece of the infraction between us. I didn’t think I could ever move on unless I got some sort of assurance that I had been deathly wronged and there was deep regret on the other’s part.

When I asked for this meeting, I was greeted with a polite, “I don’t think it’s a good idea” type of answer. I knew though, that after six years I was in a much different place. I wanted desperately for us to be able to move on without re-hashing everything, without apologies for things we really couldn’t apologize for in a genuine manner. I don’t really think you can forgive without “repentance” entirely, but I do think you can heal regardless.

I knew the risk. Meeting and trying could make it worse. It could do the opposite of provide closure. It could make the original wounds even worse. But deep in my heart, I knew it was a risk I had to take.  The relationship we had before the rift was of such high value to me, it was a greater risk to leave it unhealed without trying.

Six years of waiting. That part of our conversation, actually probably only took about 20 minutes. I set the tone by reassuring him that I had no desire to re-hash the past, I just wanted to move forward more comfortably. I knew we would never have the same relationship again, but I was hoping that somehow it could be better than it currently was.

He admitted that what I had intuited over the years was indeed accurate. I just didn’t understand fully why. He explained that I hurt him as well. He explained why he stopped trusting me. Once I heard him out, it made sense to me. Not to over-simplify a complex situation, but in some ways it was truly a misunderstanding. He thought I meant “A” and in actuality, I meant “B”.  In fact, “A” couldn’t have been further from the truth.

I think the corrected perception helped immensely, but we both knew it didn’t change the hurt it caused when it originally happened. And it didn’t change the last six years when that perception remained in place for him. At the end of the conversation, he actually thanked me for intiating the meeting. Big shift from being hesitant to even talk to me.

The future will tell how much healing occurred between us. I do know that for me personally, a very heavy burden was lifted. There are still scars. Those don’t go away. The relationship is still forever changed. But some of the very significant pain has been altered in a favorable direction.

Life doesn’t always go this way, but it confirms the challenge to myself and to all of you – I want to stay invested. I may need to invest more wisely in my life at times, but connection, love, relationship, respect, care… they are worthy of our time and effort. Tonight, I will breathe just a bit easier, with six years of weight significantly lessened.

Big, big sigh. Not of annoyance, but of relief.