Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


Serendipity and Irony

You know by now that I’m a bit OCD. (Some of you may say more than a bit, but I interact with some people who make me look mild, so I’m gonna go with “a bit.”…lol) I have my CD’s arranged by category and then alphabetized. Every once in a while I decide I’m going to listen to them again and I start taking them to the car. In order, of course. My first shelf is country and I just finished the B’s (i.e. Garth Brooks, Brooks and Dunn) and started the C’s. That brought out two of Mary Chapin Carpenter’s CD’s that I don’t know very well. Is there a point to this story? Yes, there is. The point is, I don’t listen to music that often, and the selection of the CD I was listening to was purely a systematic, OCD decision.

Today I went to the cemetery. I was talking to my friend on the way there and she asked me if it was a hard thing for me. I told her it wasn’t. If I’m honest, it’s more of an annoyance. I’m not really big on the cemetery. I feel like I have to go or people will think I’m cold and heartless. But it is only Tim’s bones there. I don’t think his soul is anywhere around. (Or so I thought…) I had an appointment in Orchard Park so I decided to stop there. I’m supposed to take things off it by October 1st. I was close, it’s the fourth. I got there and removed the Fourth of July decorations. Shows you the last time I had been there. So I picked them up, stared at the stone for a minute, then kissed my hand and touched the stone like I usually do.

I got in the car. You can only drive one way so I drove around the circle like always. I reach the corner where I look over for one last glance and my quiet “Goodbye, Tim” that is part of my ritual. Right at that exact moment, the next song on my CD starts. It’s “Grow Old With Me.” I had no idea it was on that CD. John Lennon and Yoko Ono wrote it. It’s a lovely, slow, unassuming song. And it is the song that Tim and I had sung in our wedding.

So after I fainted (not really, but I felt like I could!), I decided I better sit there and listen to the whole song. It’s beautiful and daunting. I didn’t cry, but I was very moved. I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to believe that is all strictly coincidence. I think it was some kind of spiritual connection.

Then the irony hit me. The words are not just about commitment and wedding-ish type lingo, but it is (obviously) about growing old together, specifically. I thought about how ironic it is that we chose that song, and we most definitely are not going to grow old together. Tim will not grow old at all. I wonder often if I will grow old alone. Strangely, for the first time I think, I’m slowly starting to not be terrified of that. It just might be fine.

Anyhow, just thought I would share the story. If my second book wasn’t already in final layout, I would be adding today’s blog to the chapter I called “Visits from Tim.” I think this would definitely qualify!