Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief

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Hold ‘Em or Fold ‘Em?

I’ve been having some serious angst about what to do when I grow up. I was here in January of 2018 and now I’m back. I went to see my former spiritual director. She made reference in our conversation to the song by Kenny Rogers, “The Gambler.” It made me chuckle because I had just listened to that CD earlier this week after I don’t know how many years. Love his music.

I know that when it comes to my decision making, I don’t have a problem with stick-to-it-ness. I can hold ’em indefinitely. I will try every avenue no matter how long it takes or how frustrating it gets. My error usually lies in knowing when to fold ’em.

I’ve sought out some wise folks to help but it is still a daunting endeavor. Some say you have to do what you are passionate about. That is the foundation for all else. Others say it is primarily a job, an avenue for making money. Passion is the icing on the cake. I think I’ve decided you need to balance the two.

One of the things I got out of spiritual direction is that my underlying emotions are in conflict. We recently made a pretty large financial decision. While I think it was the “right” couple decision, I discovered I wasn’t as emotionally comfortable as I thought I was. I know it’s hard to believe that a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve so blatantly even has underlying emotions, but it does happen on rare occasions. At any rate, postponing financial wiggle room has made my work search a bit more frantic.

I love variety and I love that I have had so many different experiences in life where I have been able to earn money. At the same time, moments like this I wish I just had that one simple thing. So many of my endeavors require networking and advertising ad nauseum. How do you evaluate if you are using your time and energy wisely? How long do you keep having conversations that seem so promising but turn out to be fruitless before you just stop having them?

Anyhow, that is where I am at these days. I have an appointment with Darren in just a few moments. I’ve blogged about him several times over the years. He is the last “ear” that I have scheduled with and I am hoping we come up with some helpful plans of actions for how to move forward.

So please feel free to share your own stories. And keep those prayers coming. I need to know when to walk away and when to run. Or maybe stay put.


Job Hunting Woes

Since January, I have been actively trying to figure out how to generate new business for myself that combines some of the skills, experience and passion I have developed over the last several years. I am still going to do therapy, but I want to do something in addition.

If I could sum it up, I would like to do what I do for my dad but be able to make an income. If that means hands on help for someone, that would be great. If it means teaching medical professionals how to do a better job with patient and family concerns, that would be great too. If I could use my speaking skills to teach people how to help get their affairs in order – or their loved ones’, that would also be great.

For almost five months I have been emailing and making phone calls. I am the queen of networking. I’ve joined organizations, attended seminars, and had more meetings than I know what to do with. It is usually informative and fruitful, but I come home with another five things to add to my follow up list. I am pursuing hospitals, rehabs, assisted living, hospice, financial advisers, attorneys, insurance agents, etc. – anyone that could possibly interact with folks who need my services.

Perhaps the most frustrating part of all is how many times I have heard the statement, “There is a huge, huge need for what you are trying to do.” I have known that every time I have been somewhere with my dad and know that 98% of everyone else there doesn’t have someone to voice their concerns. All those professionals I talk to see it every day, sometimes several times a day. Their services have an end point and people need more than they can offer.

But I have yet to be hired to help even one person.

I am pretty aware of my strengths and weaknesses. I know which things I am good at. My favorite thing is the speaking gigs. I get tremendous feedback when I talk. I get feedback from others who overhear people talking about one of my lectures and how helpful and/or moving it was.

But I have yet to be able to give a Tedtalk. I have not been accepted by speaker’s bureaus and have no idea why.

People have always hated job hunting. It is hard to stay positive and deal with daily rejection. The more depressed you get, the harder it is to sell yourself. I haven’t had to face this in a while, but I am reminded now to be compassionate to others who are being challenged by this. And I am reminded to be grateful for the fact that I am still working while I am out there searching. Lots of people don’t have that luxury. And I have a boyfriend who cheers me on every day, even when I drone on about my headache from hitting my head against the brick wall.

Woes? Yes, but so many more blessings to focus on.