Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


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To Err is Human…

Last week I got a call from a nurse at my doctor’s office. She isn’t the nurse I normally like to talk with. I prefer not to. There is another nurse at the office I usually interact with. Now she can actually make me mad, but I don’t mind her because we actually talk to each other and have a dialogue. We have a relationship. The nurse that called me last week? Well, she talks AT me, not TO me. That doesn’t sit well with me.

Out of the blue, she informed me that I had Diabetes. I was in shock. I get my blood tested regularly twice a year, and we don’t even test my sugar because it’s never been an issue. How could this happen? Well, she made it clear that I had better start making drastic changes immediately or the consequences could be dire.

I got talking about it with Summer and we agreed something didn’t quite sound right. For one thing, my doctor Grace would have called me directly herself if it were that serious. I just know she would have. I had called the office before I got my blood test done because I was prepping for a colonoscopy and hadn’t been able to eat anything for 24 hours. I did though, have to drink the prep stuff, plus plenty of ginger ale and gatorade. Wouldn’t that effect my glucose levels?

I called back the doc and asked for a retest. Today I saw her and got my results.  Glucose healthy range is 65-99. My first test came back 163. The second came back 98. Within normal.  Insulin serum healthy range is 2.0-19.6. My first test came back 37.9 (ouch!!). My second test came back 10.2. Well within normal.

Phew.

Now I didn’t appreciate having the crap scared out of me. But I love my doc and here is why. She just apologized. Without having a word said to her, she described the “bucket of mistakes” they made. I should have been told NOT to do the test to begin with. Nurse should not have called and scared the crap out of me. The ridiculous results should have been an automatic red flag to retest. Grace then reminded me that I have her personal cell number (which almost no one has) and that I can call her whenever I need to. She knows I won’t take advantage of her.

And the silver lining? I had to admit, that without the scare I wouldn’t have taken action. But now, I am “doing what Darcy always does” according to doc. I started getting educated. I’m making an appointment with a dietitian. I ordered an exercise bike (triple yuck).  I despise exercising but it is crucial to avoid diabetes. I have a dislocated clavicle which keeps me from doing any repetitive arm movements. I have cuboid syndrome on my feet (following surgery) and I’m unable to do aerobics, running, treadmills or elliptical machines. The only option I have is the bike.

So I am going to try hard to make some changes. Small and steady. But not in a panic, which is a much better place to be in. I prefer less drama, but I did need the kick in the pants.

Remember, we all make mistakes. I make more than my share, and as much as I am out in the public trying to advocate for managing the medical mess of a system that is out here, no one needs to be perfect. I have all the respect in the world for Grace because she just took responsibility and we immediately moved on. Thank you again dear friend and doc!


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Solitaire

I’ve been flattered at how many people have told me I’ve been screwing up their Thursday/Friday routines by not blogging…lol! I will do my best to blog somewhat regularly so I don’t mess you up 🙂

There are zillions of games out there now, ranging from simple to extremely sophisticated. Me? I still like Solitaire. I usually do Free Cell, and sometimes Spider Solitaire. But lately I’ve gone back to the original Solitaire. Plain and simple.

When Frankie plays (whatever game it is), he tells me it’s cheating to hit “undo.” I say no way. If it was cheating they wouldn’t give you a button right on the home page.

Of course, I know he is partly right. But I think about it all the time when I’m playing. You have two red queens. Which one do you use? You can’t possibly know the right answer because you don’t know which card is going to be revealed underneath it. I LOVE the undo button. Every time I press it, I think how much better life would be if it also had an undo button.

Sometimes it takes a while to play out. Sometimes you can pick either red queen and you will win the game. Sometimes you have to hit undo and pick the other red queen. And of course after you pick the red queen, there are often a dozen more choices you make, each with its own path.

Sometimes you just plain make a mistake. There is a black four that you just don’t notice. It is an answer that you are missing and its staring you in the face. Again, the beauty of undo is that you just press it until you go back to the moment in time when the answer is available to you. You correct your mistake and move on. I love it.

And sometimes, no matter what choice you make, no matter how many hundreds of times you hit undo, you just can’t win the game. It’s just a game that is a loser. You can literally play it perfectly, error-free, and you can’t win. I hate to admit defeat. That is the time you just have to hit new deal and start again. But the beauty in that? Who cares??!! It’s just a game and there is no relevance or consequence whatsoever.

You get the analogies. I don’t need to spell it out. Holy crap. If life were only a tiny bit like that, the world would be a much, much better place to live in. And much, much easier to live in. But we rarely get to undo our choices. And losing the game can have terrible life altering consequences.

Frankie may be “right,”. Maybe it is cheating. But I prefer to think of it as using every option possible to win the game. If my real life doesn’t give me those options, I most certainly am going to use them in my escape, entertainment world. And every time I do, I dream about how great it would be if life was that forgiving. If I have to play solitaire, I will take every option possible to make it enjoyable and feel like a winner at the end.


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Movies and Mistakes

I’ve always loved movies. I could care less about having a TV, but I would be lost without a DVD player. I generally watch a lot of movies, but lately I’ve really been immersed. I’ve been home a lot of nights and unable to figure out the mystery of how to get my kids to talk to me (about ANYTHING at all) so I’ve been watching even more movies than usual.

I watched one called “About Time.” It was an interesting and thought-provoking plot. The young male, upon on his 21st birthday, discovers that he can travel in time. There are a few rules, though. He can only go backwards to revisit things he had already experienced, no future time travel. So initially, he uses his new found ability to go back and correct mistakes and eliminate regrets. I thought about what I would do if I had that ability. There would never be anything to apologize for or wish you had handled differently.

He learns some things along the way. One thing, was that no matter how many times he revisited a certain situation, it never worked out the way he wanted. There are just some people you can’t please. No matter what. So there is really no point in wasting your time and energy trying. You finally learn to not bother.

Another poignant moment, was when he went back in time to help his sister alter her own life for the better. The scope of the effect was positively great, but he discovered his own child was no longer the same child when he went back to real time. Ah. His wise father explained that there is one sperm and one egg and if you change any circumstances whatsoever, the sperm changes and thus the human being. Once you have brought a child into the world, there is no going back to “redo” things in time after the moment of conception without altering your child’s very existence.

Maybe some things (including mistakes and heartaches), are part of the bigger picture and need to happen.

It was sad when the character’s dad dies, because they have an awesome relationship. But then you realize that even death has no grip. He could just time travel back to his favorite ping-pong game and spend time with his dad whenever he wanted. Holy cow, that would be really be something. A world without loss!

Until his wife gets pregnant again. And then he realizes, that for life to go on, he has to truly say goodbye to his dearly loved father (because he can’t go back once conception occurs).

Maybe some things are meant to end. Maybe even death is part of the big picture. Maybe relationships stop at some point. And maybe that is not some horrible limitation, but it is for the greater good.

The biggest lesson of all? He stopped time travelling. He stopped going back. He just let himself live day to day. He figured out life was best lived that way, mistakes and all.

Hmmmmm…