Help for Healing

Bitter & Sweet, living daily with grief


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Yearly Physical

I have my yearly physical in two days and I’m dreading it. Let’s see…

I had foot surgery seven months ago and my foot pain is worse than ever. It’s taken this long to end up in a situation where I have an appointment with a second surgeon who is probably going to tell me I need a second surgery. That’s ok, but frankly it should have been last December. Seven months of nonsense and chronic pain.

I do want to pick her brain about the latest treatment the FDA just released in February for chronic, refractory depression. It made sense to me to wean off all the meds I take for that so I can develop a baseline. I’m doing it properly- very slowly over time. I already see a difference though. There’s an increase in crying and a decrease in tolerance for stress. Not a surprise, but I wish I had something happier to report.

My guess is I’ve also gained twenty pounds since last year and believe me, you can tell. I’ve weaned myself off my supplements to get a better baseline for that as well. I was intending to eat more healthy and get off the pre-diabetic status. I’m going to plead with her not to even test my blood. I’ve gone the opposite direction. I can’t even imagine what my levels are like, but my weight is an indication of what it would show.

Sigh.

I’m hoping that Tim has off work though so he can go and meet my doc. She will be thrilled about that. Last year we had fingers crossed that he was going to stick around and continue to be who he seemed to be. That is the one bright spot I will be happy to report on. He treats me like a queen!

Future blogs will probably discuss the new treatment out there when I have enough information to write an educated paragraph or two. In the meantime, I will just keep hoping to somehow make some progress on these long-term issues I have. Gotta love the aging process!


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Food

I am on a new depression medicine, prescribed by an actual psychiatrist. So far, it has been pretty good with the exception of not being able to sleep. I saw the doc today and she says the insomnia is a short term effect, which is good news. If I have my druthers, I would go to sleep by 9 every night and sleep til 7 the next morning. Once this week I was still awake at 4 AM!

Now what does that have to do with food? Well, I’m glad you asked. You also know I’ve been doing this pre-diabetic lifestyle change. Good news, no great news, is that I’ve lost 12 and a half pounds so far. If you know me well, you know that’s a miracle.

I was told once by a nutritionist several years ago that eating at night is like doubling your intake. So if you eat 3 cookies, it’s as if you’ve actually eaten 6. That, of course, is not good.

I do pretty well eating healthy throughout the day. But if I’m home at night, that is my weakness. And if I’m staying up til 1, 2, 3, or 4 AM, that is definitely a long time for me to try and stave off my cravings.

Yesterday morning, Frankie asked me where the Lucky Charms were. He said he could swear we had a box in the basement. I told him I opened them and they were definitely in the cupboard. He couldn’t find them so I looked. The box was gone because there was only a little left in the bag. The bag was there with a tiny bowl of cereal left. Frankie said he just didn’t remembered eating them. I had to confess that it was me. Ok, so one of my late night cheats was a bowl of sugar cereal. I mean, like 4 bowls. Oops.

But the worst happened the other night. Colin bought a bag of Munchos potato chips. If you haven’t ever had them, you really should try them. They are my favorite. Pringles are a close second, but these are the best. I saw the unopened bag on the counter in the kitchen and I resisted the whole day. The entire day I walked by them.

About 1 AM, I couldn’t take it anymore. I got up to get them, and discovered they were no longer on the counter. Damn it! I realized the boys had taken them up to their room, but surely I am the only one in the house that would eat an entire bag in one sitting. (Or leave just a little left like I did with the Lucky Charms!)

So I got my cell phone and turned the flashlight on. I crept up the stairs as silently as I could and walked in the bedroom. I eventually found that stupid bag of chips. Most of the contents were still in there, thank goodness. Getting the bag out without rattling the paper was very difficult. Colin stirred and rolled over. I snuck out on tiptoe.

I asked him the next day if I woke him up. He said he thought it was Frankie but realized I was too tall. Then he just assumed it was a burglar or monster of sorts but he was too out of it to respond. Then it hit him. He knows me. He knows I love Munchos.

I did leave a small amount in the bag. I was thrilled when I got on the scales and discovered I had still lost some weight. I couldn’t help thinking how much lower the number would have been without those late night feeding frenzies.

When you say your prayers for me, ask them I get back to sleeping better. My weight depends on it!